b7c81c464f
Minor changes across the board. More planned. I also may have accidentally screwed with access permissions (so looks like every file is marked modified). Moved drua-tg.lua into the otouto/ directory. Added pokego-calculator.lua plugin (similar to pidgeycalc.com).
145 lines
8.8 KiB
Lua
145 lines
8.8 KiB
Lua
local pun = {}
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local utilities = require('otouto.utilities')
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pun.command = 'pun'
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pun.doc = 'Returns a pun.'
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function pun:init(config)
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pun.triggers = utilities.triggers(self.info.username, config.cmd_pat):t('pun').table
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end
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local puns = {
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"The person who invented the door-knock won the No-bell prize.",
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"I couldn't work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.",
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"Never trust atoms; they make up everything.",
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"Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth - Then it becomes a soap opera.",
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"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.",
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"To the guy who invented zero: Thanks for nothing!",
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"Enough with the cripple jokes! I just can't stand them.",
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"I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.",
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"How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.",
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"Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.",
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"When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.",
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"There was a sign on the lawn at a rehab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.",
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"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.",
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"I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jamming again.",
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"I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work",
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"Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it",
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"I always take a second pair of pants when I go golfing, in case I get a hole in one.",
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"I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.",
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"I've decided that my wifi will be my valentine. IDK, we just have this connection.",
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"A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.",
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"I used to go fishing with Skrillex, but he kept dropping the bass.",
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"Two antennae met on a roof and got married. The wedding was okay, but the reception was incredible.",
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"A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.",
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"I dropped my steak on the floor. Now it's ground beef.",
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"I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.",
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"The outcome of war does not prove who is right, but only who is left.",
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"Darth Vader tries not to burn his food, but it always comes out a little on the dark side.",
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"The store keeps calling me to buy more furniture, but all I wanted was a one night stand.",
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"This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.",
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"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off...",
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"No more Harry Potter jokes guys. I'm Sirius.",
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"It was hard getting over my addiction to hokey pokey, but I've turned myself around.",
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"It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.",
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"Why did everyone want to hang out with the mushroom? Because he was a fungi.",
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"How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.",
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"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.",
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"When life gives you melons, you’re probably dyslexic.",
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"What's with all the blind jokes? I just don't see the point.",
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"If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?",
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"Need an ark? I Noah guy.",
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"The scarecrow won an award because he was outstanding in his field.",
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"What's the difference between a man in a tux on a bicycle, and a man in a sweatsuit on a trycicle? A tire.",
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"What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you'll just have to barium.",
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"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.",
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"Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.",
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"When TVs go on vacation, they travel to remote islands.",
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"I was going to tell a midget joke, but it's too short.",
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"Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.",
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"How do you organize a space party? You planet.",
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"Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.",
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"I'm glad I know sign language; it's pretty handy.",
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"Atheism is a non-prophet organization.",
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"Velcro: What a rip-off!",
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"If they made a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster.",
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"I don't trust people with graph paper. They're always plotting something",
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"I had a friend who was addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.",
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"The form said I had Type A blood, but it was a Type O.",
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"I went to to the shop to buy eight Sprites - I came home and realised I'd picked 7Up.",
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"There was an explosion at a pie factory. 3.14 people died.",
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"A man drove his car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends.",
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"The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.",
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"I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.",
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"Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.",
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"What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.",
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"I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.",
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"I hate elevators, and I often take steps to avoid them.",
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"Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.",
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"It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.",
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"I used to be a loan shark, but I lost interest",
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"I don't trust these stairs; they're always up to something.",
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"My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.",
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"Don't trust people that do acupuncture; they're back stabbers.",
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"The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.",
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"Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.",
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"When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland",
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"The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave him his awl.",
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"I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.",
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"Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.",
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"Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.",
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"There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.",
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"A new type of broom came out and it is sweeping the nation.",
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"I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.",
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"I knew a woman who owned a taser. Man, was she stunning!",
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"What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.",
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"It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.",
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"When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.",
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"The dead batteries were given out free of charge.",
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"Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.",
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"When the cannibal showed up late to dinner, they gave him the cold shoulder.",
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"I should have been sad when my flashlight died, but I was delighted.",
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"Why don't tennis players ever get married? Love means nothing to them.",
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"Pterodactyls can't be heard going to the bathroom because the P is silent.",
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"Mermaids make calls on their shell phones.",
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"What do you call an aardvark with three feet? A yaardvark.",
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"Captain Kirk has three ears: A right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear.",
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"How do celebrities stay cool? They have a lot of fans.",
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"Without geometry, life is pointless.",
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"Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed-wire fence? It ended in udder destruction.",
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"The truth may ring like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.",
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"I used to work for the IRS, but my job was too taxing.",
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"I used to be a programmer, but then I lost my drive.",
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"Pediatricians are doctors with little patients.",
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"I finally fired my masseuse today. She always rubbed me the wrong way.",
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"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.",
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"What's the difference between a man and his dog? The man wears a suit; the dog just pants.",
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"A psychic midget who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.",
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"I've been to the dentist several times, so I know the drill.",
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"The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.",
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"She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.",
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"Male deer have buck teeth.",
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"Whiteboards are remarkable.",
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"Visitors in Cuba are always Havana good time.",
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"Why does electricity shock people? It doesn't know how to conduct itself.",
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"Lancelot had a scary dream about his horse. It was a knight mare.",
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"A tribe of cannibals captured a missionary and ate him. Afterward, they all had violent food poisoning. This just goes to show that you can't keep a good man down.",
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"Heaven for gamblers is a paradise.",
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"Old wheels aren't thrown away, they're just retired.",
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"Horses are very stable animals.",
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"Banks don't crash, they just lose their balance.",
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"The career of a skier can go downhill very fast.",
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"In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.",
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"A sea lion is nothing but an ionized seal.",
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"The vegetables from my garden aren't that great. I guess you could say they're mediokra."
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}
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function pun:action(msg)
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utilities.send_reply(self, msg, puns[math.random(#puns)])
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end
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return pun
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