"There was an explosion at a pie factory. 3.14 people died.",
"A man drove his car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends.",
"The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.",
"I didn't like my beard at first, but then it grew on me.",
"Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.",
"What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.",
"I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.",
"I hate elevators, and I often take steps to avoid them.",
"Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.",
"It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.",
"I used to be a loan shark, but I lost interest",
"I don't trust these stairs; they're always up to something.",
"My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.",
"Don't trust people that do acupuncture; they're back stabbers.",
"The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.",
"Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.",
"When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland",
"The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave him his awl.",
"I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.",
"Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.",
"Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.",
"There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.",
"A new type of broom came out and it is sweeping the nation.",
"I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.",
"I knew a woman who owned a taser. Man, was she stunning!",
"What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.",
"It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.",
"When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.",
"The dead batteries were given out free of charge.",
"Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.",
"When the cannibal showed up late to dinner, they gave him the cold shoulder.",
"I should have been sad when my flashlight died, but I was delighted.",
"Why don't tennis players ever get married? Love means nothing to them.",
"Pterodactyls can't be heard going to the bathroom because the P is silent.",
"Mermaids make calls on their shell phones.",
"What do you call an aardvark with three feet? A yaardvark.",
"Captain Kirk has three ears: A right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear.",
"How do celebrities stay cool? They have a lot of fans.",
"Without geometry, life is pointless.",
"Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed-wire fence? It ended in udder destruction.",
"The truth may ring like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.",
"I used to work for the IRS, but my job was too taxing.",
"I used to be a programmer, but then I lost my drive.",
"Pediatricians are doctors with little patients.",
"I finally fired my masseuse today. She always rubbed me the wrong way.",
"I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.",
"What's the difference between a man and his dog? The man wears a suit; the dog just pants.",
"A psychic midget who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.",
"I've been to the dentist several times, so I know the drill.",
"The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.",
"She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.",
"Male deer have buck teeth.",
"Whiteboards are remarkable.",
"Visitors in Cuba are always Havana good time.",
"Why does electricity shock people? It doesn't know how to conduct itself.",
"Lancelot had a scary dream about his horse. It was a knight mare.",
"A tribe of cannibals captured a missionary and ate him. Afterward, they all had violent food poisoning. This just goes to show that you can't keep a good man down.",
"Heaven for gamblers is a paradise.",
"Old wheels aren't thrown away, they're just retired.",
"Horses are very stable animals.",
"Banks don't crash, they just lose their balance.",
"The career of a skier can go downhill very fast.",
"In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.",
"A sea lion is nothing but an ionized seal.",
"The vegetables from my garden aren't that great. I guess you could say they're mediokra."
